So, once again it has been a couple of weeks since I last posted.

I am pleased to say that my new, positive attitude is still there and I am really moving forward in my life.

I cant convey how much happier I am now that I am engaging with the world at large and just… well… maintaining a positive attitude to everything I think, say and do.

It’s late and I am tired as I now have 2 part-time jobs and I have also been very busy with ebay / Christmas stuff and other joys like doing washing and tidying etc!

One thing that has helped on this journey is my counselling, but also a book. You have to read this one book… please give Susan Jeffers “Feel the Fear, and Do It Anyway!” a go. Seriously good stuff, and I was about as sceptical and downbeat as they come before i picked it up.

I am not a happy, clappy, New-Ager or anything like that, but, there is so much in there that struck a chord with me, I am sure it would for you too.

Don’t do it for me though, do it for yourself

x

I will put my hands up and say that it has been  nearly 2 weeks since my last blog post, and my goodness, what a different place I am in now.

A week ago last Friday, I gave myself a good “talking to”. I had let things pile up on me once again, I was starting to take myself down an old road that leads to nowhere. This was not a place I wanted to go. I had been there before, it’s crappy. I wanted out… or rather… for once in my life, I actually wanted in! (As in, stop the world, I want to get on!)

So what’s changed? My attitude. I cannot believe how much I surrounded myself in negativity. Wallowing in my own negativity, and deliberately putting myself in situations that enabled me to do this. I mean, this blog (and no offence to you reading it) is/was part of that.

When you are down, you want to pull everyone else down with you, and then sit and chew the fat about how crap everything is, thus making yourself  feel worse.

I can see now, all that does it hold you back. Maybe that is why we do it? To hold ourselves back so that we don’t have to change, we don’t have to progress with our own self development etc.

I am going to keep this short and sweet, but, I just want you to have a think about whether you are sick and tired of the “same old, same old” and realise that the only one who can make things better, is you.

If the glass is half full, or half empty, it is up to you how you see it.

All I know is, when I stopped assuming it is always half empty things got a whole lot better.

I hope you stay with me on this journey x

I was talking to my OH online earlier (its all so complicated – I am not going into it) and I was saying how I have now reached a point in my life where I am reassessing everything.

Going through the depression and general breakdown this time last year was my body and my mind saying that it needed to grow. I had written myself off totally. I had got myself in a situation that was going to make or break me.

I hate change. I am scared of the unknown. I don’t want to grow up.

Talk about quarter life crisis – it really did hit me.

Now, I have come to realise that I have hidden myself away from the ‘real world’ out of fear. I went to University (to leave home, and because it was expected of me) then, was jobless for a year. I was lost without the structure and the “next stage” being there and decided for me. All of a sudden it was up to me what I did next. It was scary and horrid and I hated it.

In my second year of Uni I met a wonderful girl and we were together for the next 5/6 years. I completely hid in that relationship to the point where, at the end, instead of being two people becoming something more, as in 2+2=5 but we were more like 1+1=1 as in I totally hid behind her. I gave up on myself and only lived to do whatever she wanted, to dress similar to her, to neglect some things that we fundamentally “me”. I think I was scared of finding out who the real “me” was and being with her allowed me to run and hide from that.

So now, here I am over 12 months down the line and I am finding myself again.

At 18/19 I completely stunted my growth. Anything from my childhood that I said I didn’t like, I wouldn’t try again. I didn’t take any responsibility unless I had to. If my car went wrong, I would ask someone else for help. When my partner and I lived together, I paid the rent, she paid the bills. It was easy for me not to have to deal with people over Council Tax, electricity etc. Silly. And, I would do that in every aspect of my life. I can be a little manipulative and lazy and, if I can get someone to do something for me, I will. Which, in the long-term, disconnects me from the world.

So now, I am making a conscious effort to start pushing myself a little more. If there is a spider, I will try my best not to cry and wait for someone to get it for me etc. I will either leave the room until I can be sure it’s gone and then go back in, in total denial, or, I will try and find some way to get rid of it. This is huge for me.

Other things I am trying again include prawns, milk, Thai curry and maybe raisins.

Change is good and not something to be scared of. If anything, maybe I can see now that not changing is actually far scarier.

Since opening up myself to new things, and opening my mind I think I am starting to see that the world isn’t such a bad place when you choose to interact with it, rather than run and hide.

None of this is easy, but, taking baby steps will get me there. Even if it’s sometimes I’m being dragged kicking and screaming.

Half -hanging on, is actually scarier than just going along for the ride.

In some ways this is kind of linked to the last post that I did in that it relates to whether you make choices or whether those choices are made for you.

This sounds really silly, but, I think I always get what I want. Even things which, subconsciously I don't even know I want. These things that I get are usually things that I really want, not just take a fancy to.

(Can I just add – these things are not necessarily what I need/will do me good.)

Right now I can think of a million things I want – but when I look at how much I really want them, I see that, actually, I could take or leave it.

An example -  Money. Most people want more. Me included – I am living on a full-time working lifestyle on a part-time wage. I had a credit card which, I always pay a little off at the start of the month, but, by the end of the month I have had to use it again.

I do want more money to pay off the CC and to also give myself the freedom to rent/buy a place etc. But. Do I really want to do those things? If I did, wouldn't I somehow or other be doing something to get there – saving or getting a new job? Even on a subconscious level I would be making decisions towards it. Therefore I conclude that no, I don't really want more money.

Everytime I try and think about something I wanted that I didn't get, I can see that I probably never wanted it enough in the first place? This had got me thinking about that thing that Noel Edmunds uses, that so say helped Brian win Big Brother 8. Cosmic Ordering.

Is this just not you focussing on what you really, really want (damn Spice Girls…) ands therefore it happens? Surely when you really want to, and are focussed on achieving something, you put all your efforts, conscious and subconscious into it and you get it? That ol' inner voice no doubt plays a role in this too.

I can't see how you connect with the cosmos and this helps? Maybe that's because I am not religious or anything (a discussion for another day).

I dare say I could decide that I want to win Wimbledon, but, I don't really want it. Regardless of whether I think I can do it, if I don't want it badly enough, there is no way I could do it. Cosmos or not.

Now, I wish I could test this theory out, but, there is nothing – consciously or subconsciously that I can think of right now that I want badly enough. I do want to stop being depressed, to have my own place or settle with my partner (in two minds about those), to be debt free, to go back to being a little thinner than I am right now etc. But, as much as I want all of these things, I don't think I am going to get any of them anytime soon because I don't want them badly enough to do anything about it. For some reason, and ironically it makes me feel like poo, but, doing nothing is kind of what I want to do. Yeh, I want to get 'better' but also, there is a comfort in sticking to what you know. Even at times when I have thought of taking steps towards getting myself where I supposedly want to be, I find that my actions lead me to staying the same.

For years when I was unhappy and 'trapped' in my work, relationship etc I just wanted it to all go away.I got depressed, lost everything and moved back home.

I got what I wanted.

Now what do I do?

I sorted through a box of stuff the other day and whilst doing so, I stumbled across a notebook from a couple of years ago that I had jotted down a few quick thoughts about things in my life to mull over another time. One of these was a phrase ‘which lines are permanent and which are to be erased’.  

Now upon typing that very sentence, I just realised that I don’t remember whether I had written it as a question or a statement? It’s pretty open to interpretation as it is, and that just opens it up further. (Incidentally, I have just looked for the book I wrote it in, but, there is so much mess in here I can’t find it right now). 

Let’s see how I can interpret this…and I am starting with it as a question as I would assume that once a question has been asked, a statement can be made. 

Which lines are permanent and which are to be erased? As a question, I guess it’s relating to me making my way in the world and finding out who I am by working out aspects of my life that are truly ‘me’ and those which are not (incidentally, I am very much a “thinker” rather than a “doer” – how I would love to go through my life just ‘living’ and not questioning… I digress). The fact that it is asking which are to be kept and which erased puts the power of decision in me - it assumes that I have control over the process. The part that says ‘which’ can imply that all of the lines are known and that some are already permanent, whether that be through my own control or not, and that for the remainder it’s the time to decide their fate. I guess at this point, it would be good to know what the lines could be. 

According to the thefreedictionary.com the word ‘line’ has 34 meanings. If I had both the time (which, technically I do – I don’t start work for another 3 hours) or the energy ( I procrastinate and am so lazy I could barely manage the effort to write this today) I could go through each one and relate it to my phrase. I don’t think that would make this very quick reading for you, and, I guess part of what I want this blog to do is make you think a little, so, what I will do is go through just a few. I will use random.org to generate the numbers of 3 of the meanings. 

10. a. A passenger or cargo system of public or private transportation, as by ship, aircraft, or bus, usually over a definite route.b. A company owning or managing such a system Hmm… not a obvious one. This is referring to line as a route or path for a journey that is possibly already mapped out? I like the line “usually over a definitive route”. I guess this can be the path of my life. Maybe it is already written and I cannot erase bits of it? I think it also makes it clear that this line is not a unique one, but maybe part of a bigger network of lines.  

26. Games. A horizontal demarcation on a scorecard in bridge dividing the honor score from the trick score Now, I don’t play bridge, but again, I guess if I look at life as a game, to win you need an element of skill but also a lot is decided by chance. Maybe the lines on the card are derived from a combination of the two. I am intruiged by the notion of an honor score and a trick score…  

5. a. A mark used to define a shape or represent a contour.b. Any of the marks that make up the formal design of a picture The idea of using it to define or represent could show that the line is indicative of whether something should exist or not. In terms of the ‘formal’ design of a picture, without them the picture would not exist or would be half drawn.

Which lines are permanent and which are to be erased As a statement, I guess it takes everything that it raises as a question and confirms it as an action that is being carried out. I would like to think that I am now working towards looking at which lines I am keeping in my life.  

Recently I ended a friendship with someone who, I was very close with, but also that I allowed myself to be easily led by. I would use him to raise my self esteem by having sex with him (he has a long term girlfriend) and also to get drunk with and generally be irresponsible. I called time on it after having a bit of a 24 booze-fest in which I ended up taking cocaine (see – lines of coke – irony) and also sex. It was after that when I realised that I shouldn’t be friends with someone who made me behave so out of character and destructively. I therefore chose to erase that line in my life. 

As a line to keep – I have become a lot closer to a friend of a friend back where I used to live. This girl is really good to talk things over with, and her cheery optimism is infectious and reassuring, even over MSN Messenger, which is how we normally communicate. I guess, like all friendships, the lines aren’t always permanent, but, I hope this one is. 

I am sorry to cut this off so suddenly, but I draft this in Word and it is 2 pages, so I think I should end it here for now. Thanks for reading my ramblings. I have really had the chance to think over some more things whilst writing this. In all honesty there is so much more I could say, so maybe I will continue this at another point. T

ake a look at the line definition and see what you can interpret. Which lines in your life have you decided to keep? Which have been decided for you? Which are you are still not sure of?

Back from my holiday now. It was good - I now have (an ironically named) Healthy Glow, and in-between eating and drinking I managed to read 3 books and catch up on a couple of podcasts I subscribe to.

Do you feel guilt? And if you do.... explain it to me.

I have barely started writing on this blog and already I am abandoning it for a week whilst I go on a much needed holiday.

In the words of that bouncy, pouncy Tigger - "ttfn....ta ta for now...."

Is it better to be on the outside looking in, or the inside looking out?

Nothing is ever black and white with me - I live in the grey area as i strive for objective reality

I am a firm believer that you learn something new every day. A lot of it, you probably chanced upon without realising. One thing i learnt yesterday was indeed discovered by whilst looking for the latest edition of a magazine online.

This got my brain whirring a little and i looked up Big Mac's on everyone's favourite information source - Wikipedia. I then learnt some more things, such as a Big Mac in Mexico has 600  calories whereas a Big Mac in New Zealand has 464 calories (). These differences can be attributed to differences in size, fat contet etc. This is still food for thought (sorry!) though.

Also, after reading this, has it made you hungry for a Big Mac?

This is the first post on this blog, so in many ways it is a new beginning, however I have existed over 25 years so therefore this post is just another part of me.

x