Where do you stand?

Tonight I was at the pub with some friends. I say friends, but i dont know these people especially well. I chatted with them a little and we had a few drinks and I felt i had an OK night. Now, this particular group of people are all very different to me. Firstly, they are all guys and secondly, they all play together in a band. Now, as much as i enjoyed chatting with them, i felt a little as though i was on the outside looking in. I could never be a full part of their little group. However, compared to some people in the pub, i knew them well. In which case, to them, i suppose i was on the inside, looking out. I did indeed find myself looking out when they were talking about in jokes etc. I guess i was also looking out as i was wondering if there was a better fit for me somewhere?

Within myself, i feel that i look in too much, and rarely look out. I think i worry too much about fitting in and being accepted. As much as i am social etc, i am, and never have been, fully comfortable in any group of people, as i feel there is something about me that makes me too different. Maybe I have a high opinion of myself, coupled with a low self-esteem. Sounds impossible, but that's sort of how i feel. If i ever dont particularly feel that i "fit" its usually because i am looking down on these people. Yet, at the same time, i look down on myself for not being able to be comfortable and just "get on with it" like these people do.

So, outside looking in, or inside looking out... i guess, i am on the edge of the inside, looking out.