Back from my holiday now. It was good - I now have (an ironically named) Healthy Glow, and in-between eating and drinking I managed to read 3 books and catch up on a couple of podcasts I subscribe to.
One such podcast was from This American Life, and it was entitled The Devil in Me and talked about 'people trying to exorcise their inner demons'. In Act Two, Nancy Updike asked people about their inner voice, and as I listened to the people that contributed, it got me thinking about my Inner Voice, and what it says to me.
Now, I can only speak from my own experience, but, I assume everyone has an Inner Voice. Right now, mine is reading aloud over what I am typing.
As I spend my life looking to be as objective as possible, I wondered whether I have an Angel and Devil on each shoulder, or, just a mini version of me that is a little of both?
Surely an Inner Voice is not plural, and is therefore always going to be a little of the two combined?
I wouldn't go so far as to call mine a conscience because I remember Jiminy Cricket was there to help Pinocchio see right and wrong and steer him to do what was right. As I am suffering from depression and low self esteem, my Inner Voice quite often tells me to do things that are pretty selfish in their nature, but, will make me feel good in the short term. It doesn't care whether these are good or bad in the wider sense.
I can justify all my actions - good or bad to myself so I never feel guilt. I have done some pretty bad things, and hurt a few people along the way, but I can genuinely say, I have never felt guilt. I have cheated when in a relationship, I have caused others to cheat on their relationships, sometimes good friends of mine on both sides. I have stolen. I have lied. In all of these things, the only thing I have felt is bad for myself not being able to be a better person (although nobody is perfect) and also worried that I will come off the worse (relationship over / confrontation by friends). All in all, how it affects me.
I guess part of having low self-esteem, I am not going to feel great about anything I do. Also, I think that if I don't really care about me, I am not going to care about anyone else either.
Is guilt the Angel in you telling you that you did something bad and ensuring you don't do it again? Or is it just your Inner Voice/ mini-me telling you that you have messed things up for yourself? Is guilt just an inability to accept your actions? As I say, I can justify everything I do. Whether the outcome is good or bad, I accept that I do what I do and I say what I say and I wouldn't have done it or said it if I wasn't sure at the time.
What does your Inner Voice tell you?
Do you feel guilt? And if you do.... explain it to me.
