objectivereality

I will put my hands up and say that it has been  nearly 2 weeks since my last blog post, and my goodness, what a different place I am in now.

A week ago last Friday, I gave myself a good “talking to”. I had let things pile up on me once again, I was starting to take myself down an old road that leads to nowhere. This was not a place I wanted to go. I had been there before, it’s crappy. I wanted out… or rather… for once in my life, I actually wanted in! (As in, stop the world, I want to get on!)

So what’s changed? My attitude. I cannot believe how much I surrounded myself in negativity. Wallowing in my own negativity, and deliberately putting myself in situations that enabled me to do this. I mean, this blog (and no offence to you reading it) is/was part of that.

When you are down, you want to pull everyone else down with you, and then sit and chew the fat about how crap everything is, thus making yourself  feel worse.

I can see now, all that does it hold you back. Maybe that is why we do it? To hold ourselves back so that we don’t have to change, we don’t have to progress with our own self development etc.

I am going to keep this short and sweet, but, I just want you to have a think about whether you are sick and tired of the “same old, same old” and realise that the only one who can make things better, is you.

If the glass is half full, or half empty, it is up to you how you see it.

All I know is, when I stopped assuming it is always half empty things got a whole lot better.

I hope you stay with me on this journey x

I was talking to my OH online earlier (its all so complicated – I am not going into it) and I was saying how I have now reached a point in my life where I am reassessing everything.

Going through the depression and general breakdown this time last year was my body and my mind saying that it needed to grow. I had written myself off totally. I had got myself in a situation that was going to make or break me.

I hate change. I am scared of the unknown. I don’t want to grow up.

Talk about quarter life crisis – it really did hit me.

Now, I have come to realise that I have hidden myself away from the ‘real world’ out of fear. I went to University (to leave home, and because it was expected of me) then, was jobless for a year. I was lost without the structure and the “next stage” being there and decided for me. All of a sudden it was up to me what I did next. It was scary and horrid and I hated it.

In my second year of Uni I met a wonderful girl and we were together for the next 5/6 years. I completely hid in that relationship to the point where, at the end, instead of being two people becoming something more, as in 2+2=5 but we were more like 1+1=1 as in I totally hid behind her. I gave up on myself and only lived to do whatever she wanted, to dress similar to her, to neglect some things that we fundamentally “me”. I think I was scared of finding out who the real “me” was and being with her allowed me to run and hide from that.

So now, here I am over 12 months down the line and I am finding myself again.

At 18/19 I completely stunted my growth. Anything from my childhood that I said I didn’t like, I wouldn’t try again. I didn’t take any responsibility unless I had to. If my car went wrong, I would ask someone else for help. When my partner and I lived together, I paid the rent, she paid the bills. It was easy for me not to have to deal with people over Council Tax, electricity etc. Silly. And, I would do that in every aspect of my life. I can be a little manipulative and lazy and, if I can get someone to do something for me, I will. Which, in the long-term, disconnects me from the world.

So now, I am making a conscious effort to start pushing myself a little more. If there is a spider, I will try my best not to cry and wait for someone to get it for me etc. I will either leave the room until I can be sure it’s gone and then go back in, in total denial, or, I will try and find some way to get rid of it. This is huge for me.

Other things I am trying again include prawns, milk, Thai curry and maybe raisins.

Change is good and not something to be scared of. If anything, maybe I can see now that not changing is actually far scarier.

Since opening up myself to new things, and opening my mind I think I am starting to see that the world isn’t such a bad place when you choose to interact with it, rather than run and hide.

None of this is easy, but, taking baby steps will get me there. Even if it’s sometimes I’m being dragged kicking and screaming.

Half -hanging on, is actually scarier than just going along for the ride.

In some ways this is kind of linked to the last post that I did in that it relates to whether you make choices or whether those choices are made for you.

 

This sounds really silly, but, I think I always get what I want. Even things which, subconsciously I don't even know I want. These things that I get are usually things that I really want, not just take a fancy to.

 

(Can I just add – these things are not necessarily what I need/will do me good.)

 

Right now I can think of a million things I want – but when I look at how much I really want them, I see that, actually, I could take or leave it.

 

An example -  Money. Most people want more. Me included – I am living on a full-time working lifestyle on a part-time wage. I had a credit card which, I always pay a little off at the start of the month, but, by the end of the month I have had to use it again.

 

I do want more money to pay off the CC and to also give myself the freedom to rent/buy a place etc. But. Do I really want to do those things? If I did, wouldn't I somehow or other be doing something to get there – saving or getting a new job? Even on a subconscious level I would be making decisions towards it. Therefore I conclude that no, I don't really want more money.

 

Everytime I try and think about something I wanted that I didn't get, I can see that I probably never wanted it enough in the first place? This had got me thinking about that thing that Noel Edmunds uses, that so say helped Brian win Big Brother 8. Cosmic Ordering.

 

Is this just not you focussing on what you really, really want (damn Spice Girls…) ands therefore it happens? Surely when you really want to, and are focussed on achieving something, you put all your efforts, conscious and subconscious into it and you get it? That ol' inner voice no doubt plays a role in this too.

 

I can't see how you connect with the cosmos and this helps? Maybe that's because I am not religious or anything (a discussion for another day).

 

I dare say I could decide that I want to win Wimbledon, but, I don't really want it. Regardless of whether I think I can do it, if I don't want it badly enough, there is no way I could do it. Cosmos or not.

 

Now, I wish I could test this theory out, but, there is nothing – consciously or subconsciously that I can think of right now that I want badly enough. I do want to stop being depressed, to have my own place or settle with my partner (in two minds about those), to be debt free, to go back to being a little thinner than I am right now etc. But, as much as I want all of these things, I don't think I am going to get any of them anytime soon because I don't want them badly enough to do anything about it. For some reason, and ironically it makes me feel like poo, but, doing nothing is kind of what I want to do. Yeh, I want to get 'better' but also, there is a comfort in sticking to what you know. Even at times when I have thought of taking steps towards getting myself where I supposedly want to be, I find that my actions lead me to staying the same.

 

For years when I was unhappy and 'trapped' in my work, relationship etc I just wanted it to all go away.I got depressed, lost everything and moved back home.

 

I got what I wanted.

 

Now what do I do?