I was talking to my OH online earlier (its all so complicated – I am not going into it) and I was saying how I have now reached a point in my life where I am reassessing everything.

Going through the depression and general breakdown this time last year was my body and my mind saying that it needed to grow. I had written myself off totally. I had got myself in a situation that was going to make or break me.

I hate change. I am scared of the unknown. I don’t want to grow up.

Talk about quarter life crisis – it really did hit me.

Now, I have come to realise that I have hidden myself away from the ‘real world’ out of fear. I went to University (to leave home, and because it was expected of me) then, was jobless for a year. I was lost without the structure and the “next stage” being there and decided for me. All of a sudden it was up to me what I did next. It was scary and horrid and I hated it.

In my second year of Uni I met a wonderful girl and we were together for the next 5/6 years. I completely hid in that relationship to the point where, at the end, instead of being two people becoming something more, as in 2+2=5 but we were more like 1+1=1 as in I totally hid behind her. I gave up on myself and only lived to do whatever she wanted, to dress similar to her, to neglect some things that we fundamentally “me”. I think I was scared of finding out who the real “me” was and being with her allowed me to run and hide from that.

So now, here I am over 12 months down the line and I am finding myself again.

At 18/19 I completely stunted my growth. Anything from my childhood that I said I didn’t like, I wouldn’t try again. I didn’t take any responsibility unless I had to. If my car went wrong, I would ask someone else for help. When my partner and I lived together, I paid the rent, she paid the bills. It was easy for me not to have to deal with people over Council Tax, electricity etc. Silly. And, I would do that in every aspect of my life. I can be a little manipulative and lazy and, if I can get someone to do something for me, I will. Which, in the long-term, disconnects me from the world.

So now, I am making a conscious effort to start pushing myself a little more. If there is a spider, I will try my best not to cry and wait for someone to get it for me etc. I will either leave the room until I can be sure it’s gone and then go back in, in total denial, or, I will try and find some way to get rid of it. This is huge for me.

Other things I am trying again include prawns, milk, Thai curry and maybe raisins.

Change is good and not something to be scared of. If anything, maybe I can see now that not changing is actually far scarier.

Since opening up myself to new things, and opening my mind I think I am starting to see that the world isn’t such a bad place when you choose to interact with it, rather than run and hide.

None of this is easy, but, taking baby steps will get me there. Even if it’s sometimes I’m being dragged kicking and screaming.

Half -hanging on, is actually scarier than just going along for the ride.